he was like the dessert in the all you can eat man buffet that has become my life.
its like what part of i just threw up mcdonalds breakfast means i want to make out with you?
You overflowed the toilet cuz you tried to flush apples. you said they were singing too loudly
But if you were going to pour a liquid on your naked body in fall its definitely pumpkin inspired something.
not now. havin a heart to heart with drunk fred flinstone
DONT YOU DARE DIE YET THERE IS SO MUCH SEX TO BE HAD
i put frozen meatballs in my drink thinking they were ice cubes and I'm vegetarian wtf
we need to tell them stories about when happens when we're sober so they think they know what they're in for when they're actually completely unprepared for whn happens when we get drunk
I've decided to become a librarian so I can drunkenly quote The Mummy and have it be legit.
Man, it's really obvious that I was either handcuffed or tied up last night. Either way, not something you'd want coworkers knowing.
I found a tomato seed inside my jeans. I did not eat tomatoes
you can see where the duct tape was on my nipple
I’M PUT OFF FROM FOOD RN BC EARLIER I GOT SOME WATER AND I WAS 4 SIPS IN WHEN I NOticed A FUCKING BURGER KING F R Y IN MY D R I N K
I'm noticing I drink less and do fewer lines when I do both together.
Now that's what I call smart money management.
Turns out I made out with a woman dressed as a unicorn here 10 years ago
Randomize
