it is 7:54 and i am surrounded by drunk old people. drunk enough that my grandmother and her friend just compared boobs. as in, shirts off, bras coming down. save me.
We found them in a dumpster making out trying to get their privacy
This year I'm going to try NOT getting arrested. I think the 30th birthday is the cutoff for calling Mom to bail me out.
Accidentally gagged on my toothbrush and puked up a Walgreen's cheeseburger. 1) I am not going to be on top of my game tonight. 2) Since when do I have a gag reflex? 3) Walgreen's cheeseburgers are awesome.
I told him id do anything with him and he said angry pirate? So I said okay. Never seeing him again.
What's an angry pirate?
You dont want to know. If someone offers say no. Never ever do the angry pirate. Ever.
You wore a man's plastic top hat last night.
No I didn't. Whiskey did.
I may have to steal the boat sober, but I feel that would be harder to explain.
Im going to bed. I'm seeing 7 of everything and my world smells like gravy
This cabbie knows where I live. Both awesome and weird.
You went to a drug deal in a onesie.
How's my sex life is me mastubating next to her dog. that's how it's going.
lets start a news segment called WHY IS LEOS CROTCH BURNING TODAY
fuck off. It's 10am and I'm drink gin and ginger ale through a twizzler straw. My life is marvellous
I haven't answered because I haven't figured out a polite way of saying fuck no
Hi I am on my way. I stopped and got the cheeseburger you asked for. Are you gonna pay me back?
Who is this?
Randomize