Needless to say, wine tasting turned into wine chugging
Last night I ate the rest of the salsa with my hands. And i DONT have a hangover? Glorious.
I'm lit.While shaving my legs I pretended the razor was a tractor cutting down corn. Noises included.
I just negotiated a blow job for an interview.
Going to bed. I have to wake up early and teach small children. And then have affairs with their fathers. I'm going to get deported.
found my necklace. it was safe with all 6 boxes of peeps that i bought that night.
Its all fun and games until someone grabs the electrical fence.
JOY: That feeling when you crack open a handle for the first time, and the flow limiter comes off with the cap.
He called me on my way to the bathroom and told me he wanted to hear me pee my beers out... That. Drunk.
Dude, I need a lifestyle change. I'm to old to be making out with chicks in foam parties, letting older chicks get all excited because I let them put their hands up my shirt, and running around doing scavenger hunts with 18 yr old chicks.
It's his sex noise. "I'm gonna cu-THE LORD IS MY SHEPARD AND I SHALL NOT WANT"
So we just accidentally broke into a building from the third floor while carrying shovels. The security guards are still very confused
guys I just made $20 cause these random south african guys thought I wasn't wearing any underwear
You don't usually get feedback after a one night stand... But you hit it out of the park. I'm proud to call you a friend.
tbh I think I just dated him for his dogs in the first place.
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