The worst part was when my mom got more drunk than anyone else and started doing the Time Warp.
I'm sitting at the bar eating dinner next to a nerd, a guy in a 10 gallon hat, and a policeman. I feel like I joined The Village People
I remember tearing his shower curtain down but I don't remember trying to shave my vag...
woke up laying on an empty pizza box and some guy was doing blow off my butt...i guess i should thank you.
I'd rather make snow angels in a pool of elephant shit.than sleep with him.
I know you're on vacation but you should know I just walk of shamed through a hotel lobby while leaving a threesome on Friday the 13th. Fuck superstition, I win.
Maybe we should invest in one and when one of us wishes to be a hot mess in a wheel chair the other one will push the mess around to wherever it wants to go.
You asked the bartender if she was trying to get you drunk. She cut you off after that.
all i know is there's a picture on my phone of him wearing my purple sweatpants and licking the bottom of my foot.
Is it bad form to spend company money and place an ad in the paper because I wanna nail the sales girl?
FYI, his "son" is a Chihuahua.
Science requires me to take a picture of your nipples.
Remember that cop that blew me in the parking lot a few weeks ago? He's possibly with his wife and kids shopping at Target.
If I wasn't planning on spend the rest of my life with you I wouldn't send you so many nudes, so fucking appreciate it
Went to the party dressed like a Cougar and brought a twenty something dressed as Micheal Phelps home. So far I’m loving being divorced. :-)
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