i just renamed my vag "the sorting hat"
i just woke up with two martini umbrellas taped to my nipples... idk how they got there
All I seem to do lately is get myself off, take naked pictures and drink beer. I don't know if thats a good or bad thing.
TLC. RIGHT NOW. PRIMORDIAL TODDLERS.
You have more facebook pictures than most towns have people.
decided to have an easter egg hunt this year. the golden egg has weed in it and all the others have shots of vodka. who said we were too old for easter?!?
i'm moving back early just in case the freshmen need a tour of the school
oh right the one that ends on your bed
they arrested me when i was peaking, i'm pretty sure they were specifically looking for me but i was too busy rolling around, loving the grass to notice the police car..
Its official, drinking for 15 hours counts as a suicide attempt
i'm way too high for it to be safe that i just discovered i have a fire extinguisher
He just called me juicy booty via text message.
Hung over and there is no way in the world I can make this mess look good today. Only solution is to stay drunk.
THEY DIDN'T THROW MY PORN AWAY!!!!
I used to want you to marry him...Now I just think you deserve a bigger penis than that.
I think I accidentally got a sugar daddy but I was already planning on sleeping with him so I’m going to see where this goes
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