My girlfriend went down on me and as she did she hummed the theme from star wars and pretended my dick was a lightsaber...I'm buying the engagement ring tomorrow
Just saw a girl leaving CVS on her bike with a case of beer. She tried to ride one handed with the case under her other arm and fell over off the sidewalk. I'm glad to see someone else's life is a bigger joke than mine.
My life has literally become a dickpocolypse. Thank you, summer, I missed you.
im gonna call it quits for tonight... I am so drunk I dont even have the motor skills to masturbate
In the future let's not drunk dive in the fountain in front of the hotel bar.
I don't know how I got here... but I think I'm in a Christian Impact meeting... I'm trying to act as straight as possible. They can sense gay.
You know Im horny if Im walking around in my lingerie and sex robe. It's my field of dreams mentality. If I wear it, he will come.
I can't even look at my running shoes. I swear I drank more in the last 2 days than the last 6 months combined
Why Weren't you wearing pants?
because pants are for people with no imagination
did you just send me my own nude
Definitely just threw up in a mcds cup going through Wendy's drive thru. I'm way to hungover to go to work today
He smells like ham and a lifetime of poor choices
I just want somebody who'll randomly bring me pizza and lovingly squeeze my butt. Is there a dating app for that, do you think?
Uhmmmm is there really any way to tactfully ask "you into me jerking you off with my feet... or nah" cause if you find one let me know 😂
Opening my shipments of mascara and nipple pasties this morning like a boss bitch
Randomize
