Dude she looked like Jerry Garcia's knuckles
He said he only talked to me because I talk dirty in bed.
I just found a beer bottle in my xmas tree while disassembling it. God, I'm going to miss the holidays.
i was getting a blow-job tonight in the mens bathroom of a bar and the bouncer comes in and says "bro i don't mean to cock block but you cant do that here."
Is it creepy to message a girl and say you had me at stocked liquor cabinet?
the guy in the stall next to me, came in, farted, laughed, and proceeded to give himself some sort of hillbilly pep talk that included the phrase "big pussy".
When you awake you'll realize that your car is missing....just know that I had it and becuz of your car I hooked up with the hot bar tender that looks like that guy from bay-watch however I parked it in a loading zone and it was towed...that sex was TOTALLY worth it love you
Of course drinkings involved. They don't call it alcoholism because we eat too many skittles.
If the cops knock on your door and ask if you saw anyone throw an orange out the window I was never there.
There seems no grander way to celebrate 420 than to smoke atop a mountain peak.
Eating nacho cheese off the carpet. How is your morning?
Any residual attraction has just been ruthlessly murdered by that mustache.
We almost ended up sober because of u!!
don't worry, i'm not mad. i'm just angry. and furious. and about to set your ass on fire.
Nothing says "I'm sorry for shitting in your bed" like an Olive Garden gift card
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