peeing is so easy when youre drunk. you just tell your body to pee and it pees.
My new excuse for sleeping with him was in celebration of his cat's birthday.
it's so much work when my dad takes my car to get fixed, i had to take out the bottles, condoms, and my pipe
yeah i fucked her in the storage room on the inflatable mattress. i don't know if i should feel proud for me or bad for her.
i dont know everytime i see her teeth i get erectile disfunction
So he told me he wanted to fertilize my caviar. Im avoiding all foreign exchange students from now on.
Can we end it on a good note at least? Can we fuck and then never talk again?
he broke off your car antennae to use as a walking stick before he smoked because he claimed to lack the facial strength needed to open his eyes when he's high
We should celebrate the resignation of Berlusconi tonight with too many bottles of wine and sambuca. We're allies, right?
He shoved his balls through an egg carton and showed us a picture. They were surprisingly egg-like.
Things were easy when he was just a penis. Now he's a penis with feelings.
You sat on a wall pretending to be a gargoyle before shouting "batman!" and jumping at me
I'm the drunk Des Moines deserves, but not the one it needs
then this guy just runs in screaming, "cant you see my daughter pissed herself???!!!" and that was the start of my 2016.
Listen, I just paid for a hotel room, so I didn't have to have sex in his car. I'm adulting successfully.
how the FUCK did i spend 25 dollars at 50 cent beer night?
Randomize
