I'm drinking while my friends build sand castles, now I know how my dad used to feel
At the bar. Guy comes up wearing a hollister shirt and says "lets blow this popsicle stand"
You fucking left with him didn't you?!
It was all about her orgasm last night. I felt like a human dildo.
look up what dreaming that you're in a lesbian relationship with a manatee means.
the only thing keeping me going right now is the knowledge that in 2 hours i'll be drunk at the circus.
If I sleep with another Spanish guy it is officially renamed my senor year.
she's drunk at 2 in the afternoon again. at least my mother is predictable.
She just laid there, sucking on a piece of steak, with the most content look on her face. Just before she passed out (steak still on her mouth) she said the cat box needed to be emptied
I will kill you in such a brutal way if you ever de-pants me again on the dance floor it will make the stock market ticker
A cute girl just told me she forgot to take her birth control and winked... I've never been so conflicted about fleeing in terror
It is no longer St. Patrick's Day. I should NOT still have green boobs!
I gave him a bunch of ideas to use to spice up their sex life. Say what you will, I am the best 'other' woman ever!
My liver is preforming stress tests.
You're incredible, and I'm drunk
The covid immunization shot lady also sold me a mondo bag of really good pot.
Randomize
