Did you ever notice that cashews look like fetuses?
you tried to scramble eggs in my dryer last night. i want you here in 15 minutes to clean this shit up
He told me I couldn't drink an unopened bottle of water he had in his room because that was his emergency bong water
I want to know him. He looks like he makes really good breakfast burritos.
So I'm drunk playing pool in a bar with a guy I arrested last week for a DUI...if he recognizes me, shit's gonna get real.
Ran into his mom at the bar, i told her "i know he's married now but I'd still do him"
Jasmine is diving into bushes again.
And one night I got way too drunk and thought he said call me a polish name so I called him Konrad. Now he thinks I cheated on him with a Konrad.
That's my new pick up line call me a polish name
I'm sure the lady doing my pedicure could smell the sex on me.
I just woke up drenched in beer, in a puddle of beer, and cuddling a bottle of tequila
She's so nice... She deserves all the dicks.
In the middle of pounding my asshole he stopped and said, "do you want to get breakfast after this?"
2016 shall be rememered as the year I sharted while putting up the Christmas tree.
What's rude is him not accepting my blowjob offer. What kind of guy denies that.
I love you, but seriously, that was way too long a thesis on an Arby’s curly fry being wrapped around schlong!
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