i just peed out my two story window using my cell phone as a flashlight . hope the neighbors didnt see
last night this guy was hitting on me by showing me the famous people he had in his contacts on his cell... when he asked me if i knew lindsay lohan, i said "whose that? sounds asian"
yea i guess its safe to say fire extinguishers are not synonymous with whip cream cans
We're learning about the color wheel. Hello college.
I kinda remember trying to staple rolls of toilet paper to make a pillow, but it's blank after that.
He's tweaking out . If he's on fucking bathsalts and eats my face like a chalupa pull the plug. I don't want to live with no fucking face. Pull. The. Plug.
Ryan friended me on LinkedIn and it took everything in my power not to endorse him for sexual dysfunction as a skill.
Hooked up with a girl in the dorm laundry room tonight. And got invited to go to Vegas for free. That's how today's going.
You started sleep walking, went to my closet, tried to pee on my boots, and when I asked you what you were doing you said "I'm talking to these people about jobs"
My new roommate is awesome. His father owns a bar and his sister has an E cup. I'm going to be with him forever
I bought emergency contraception until I / we decide how to handle that. And target gave me a gift receipt for it. Awkward.
Mom kept me on a leash as a kid, did you know this?
When she went in the beer store I got to hold it.
Also, my guy said they would be around. And i clarified that when I asked him for mushrooms he didn't hear "a mushroom or two" but rather understood I meant "all the mushrooms you can find between now and 4th of July."
What are you, a fucking toaster ?
I’m vetoing meatball margaritas right out the gate. We can’t have people throwing up again!
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