Doo rag and shades in the bar. You are missing your future husband.
all he gave me for my birthday was sperm
at least its a homemade gift
Thats about the time I should have known you would run around naked and try to make out with my sleeping mother
tonight i'm making a christmas tree shaped shot pyramid
You don't understand. He was so ginger that he could make red hair a dominant gene. And I refuse to torture my future spawn like that.
It feels like I'm breathing out my heart and it spreads through my limbs to my fingertips.
My mouth tastes like what I imagine a hobo's skin would taste like.
I don't remember what you were saying to me in the bathroom. But whatever it was, yes, because i remember nodding a lot.
I woke up with what appeared to be LSD in my pocket. Know anything about this?
I shaved my asshole for you. You WILL fuck me tonight.
Random one night stand with a guy that had a USA tattoo on his ass. Can't possibly get more American than that
You drunkenly said something along the lines of "move forever" to the lady standing in your way. Needless to say you had too many mimosas at breakfast.
Go makeout with Mickey Mouse so we can get FastPass tickets
He just ate a tooth whitening strip...
It was a "have 911 on speed dial" kinda night
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