In retrospect - making it rain salt all over our kitchen was not one of my best ideas.
i had to wake up at 4 am to do my laundry because I was afraid if I saw people in the laundry room they would judge me by the amount of clothes I had covered in vomit from syllabus week
There was a note in my hello kitty underwear telling me "don't go over 9000"
Dude I live in a fucking closet and still get laid every weekend. Figure it out.
I thought she was being abused so tried to go in at the sympathy angle, but the bruises were from pole dancing. I went in at all angles.
Then she cat effected the picture of my dick I sent her the other night. I'm in love.
Slow dancing with the chandelier.
She's got a butler. A fucking butler. Shes like batman, but with a better ass.
I'll get him an axe as a present. So he can break out of his closet. That axe being my penis.
the reputation of my dick game is on the line. You're killing the team, here, G
And my parents said I crawled through the house
That's why god made go-pro's and tequila
All I remember is receiving a lap dance to slow motion.
Does he know you were at a strip club taking shots of tequila right before you babysat his son?
Decided to smoke a bowl in my closet while my parents are gone. Just sat in the closet because I couldn't remember how to get out. Started panicking cuz I thought they were gonna show up... Checked my phone. It's been 4 minutes.
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