im going to pretend im pregnant so i can eat a lot then i will accidentally fall down the stairs
I just got an email from a bridal website with the subject "Countdown to your Wedding Day"... is 11AM too early to drink the rest of the wine we have?
the clerk said it was the first time she had ever seen someone walk in the next day to return the tux still wearing the tux
Thanks for not waking me up before the firefighters chopped down my door
You put Smirnoff in your grape juice and called it communion...
remember how i yelled at you for inviting that coke dealer to the party?! i found the $100 bill they were snorting with in the couch.
..new slutty dresses or booze? i won't even waste time with the i told you so.
And then I told him since the day he walked away to get over what I went through he lost the boyfriend right to ask why my bed is broken.
I take full pride in being the one that broke ur bed. Want to go for the sofa?
Everytime Our professor said "penis fencing" in class today we took shots.
I apparently used the line "I'm a bouncer too so i would know if I were too drunk" then they asked me to leave.
i was asked to be gay of honor by three different girls and NONE of the groomsmen at any of the weddings is open to experimenting. i mean whats the point then.
You ever sit back and realize our friendship is based off us ranting at each other with random animal photos thrown in
I'm glad he doesn't have a bigger dick because he'd just use it for evil anyway
I just saw the co founder of Waffle House passed away Friday. Are you okay?
That's about the same time my life started falling apart... Coincidence?!?!? I think NOT!!!
I tried saying sorry but instead I puked down her shirt and tried to clean it up... Now I have a bruise on my forehead. good news, before she left she wrote her number on my stomach with sharpie
i just realized i have only had sex on couches so far this year. i can't decide if that's impressive or trashy
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