Well for starters i'm drinking vodka out of a bell pepper.
Have you ever noticed every guy named Shaant has scene hair and date girls with racoons stripes in theirs
His name should be shouldn't
so I ended up banging her last night
dude I remember her. You sure it was a her?
i don't even remember
I have been standing totally still for the past 6 minutes because I was convinced my foot was tied to the ground. It turns out it was a string of hair strewn across my foot
A good ear swabbing is more orgasmic than sex with him
just 'accidentally' changed my relationship status to 'in an open relationship' just to see what offers I might get if I were to dump him. it's not looking good
Just had the weirdest flashback. Did we buy melon, take it into the restaurant and try to make them give it to us as dessert?
He broke up with his gf yesterday so he could give me our annual Christmas sex at midnight.
Marry him. Now.
I love shooting for the middle. Those girls never wake up well.
I'm drinking wine from the cap of my laundry detergent container, wearing my bed sheet as a cape. How do you think I'm taking it?
In case you were wondering, yes I did just watch the Katy Perry movie alone on a Saturday night. I'm so alone it makes a noise.
My move is emasculating men with my superior intellect and it's not as charming when they can't see my huge rack.
It was a fun night. I made out with the door guy at the gay bar but he didn't speak english
There was no door guy at the bar
I'm smoking and watching the Muppets Treasure Island. Where are you?
Something about that statement reminds me just how much of a role model you are, sis.
Sorry for trying to wake you up by slapping your ass with a fruit 2 go.
Randomize