I hate when you've made an ugly girl's day by having sex with her, and then she gets greedy and wants to cuddle after you cum.
This martini tastes like the bartender stirred it with his foreskin.
Puked on a Tom Jones impersonator on the strip
I seriously just caught my 15 year old little sister with a positive pregnancy test coming out of the bathroom. Honest to God.
I have a coat hanger and a baseball bat. Her choice.
He came in, laid on our floor and started to make a snow angel.. On the floor. Then he just left never said a word. 20 mins later walked back in and dropped his pants, looked down and said "wow im happy i had boxers on."
ill do whatever it takes for me to get more high and eat pie
It's okay, I climbed on the roof of the bar to get my shoe back. This may become a Saturday tradition. I'll keep you updated
I filled two of the glass ornaments in my mom's bathroom last night with vodka. That way no one sees me drinking on Christmas. Alcoholic or genius? All I know it makes bathroom trips frequent and enjoyable.
Won't anyone wonder why I'm mute, bald, and wearing an eye patch?
You pretty much isn't said it
Those words don't go together.
I think we need a list of things that are automatic NO's for dating a guy. Married, definitely a no now
what i'd really like is a nice helping of naked boyfriend with a side of naked boyfriend.
Is it possible for mice to climb? If so I think mice are climbing into my bed in the night and playing with my hair..
I'm actually pretty sure the amount of alcohol I drank last night erased memories from other times in my life.
We'll handle his penis the same way we handle day drinking; together.
Randomize
