I woke up this morning wearing my tux shirt and jacket, but no pants.
______ was pissed. My breath tastes like tequila and doritos, and I couldn't get it up.
it was worse than that time i tried giving evan head 4 days post nose job.
I just claimed my unemployment in Vegas. This seems wrong.
I just realized i came back home with my lei that one night. How do i forget my bra but remember my lei?
I realized I'm gonna have to fit cheating on my gf, sleeping with my gf and having dinner with her parents all into one Sunday evening
Watching porn with a bag of marshmallows. Thats when you know you're stoned.
My roommate said I banged on the wall and said, "this dude eats pussy like a champ."
Welcome to the south, dude. Gives the phrase "I wish you a dry ass" a new perspective.
Well once I told her I had a girlfriend she actually got more aggressive. Then Danielle called me and she saw the pic of the two of us on my phone and immediately said "can my caller I'd pic be me sitting on your face" wtf?
I'm in the middle no shirt white shorts humping the white dustbuster next to the guy shooting off the tazer infront of the two guys humping on the bicycle
You know I'm having a rough day when I'm curled up in the corner eating Spaghettios.
If someone made a breakfast cereal that was a cross between lucky charms and fruity pebbles and called it unicorn power with a huge fucking rainbow and a unicorn standing in a pot of gold on the box, they would be rich. Not only monetarily but spiritually as well...
I didn't pay $79 for lingerie for you to cum in 30 seconds
She's astronaut crazy. She will wear Depends and drive 12 hrs non-stop if you swipe right.
Challenge accepted
I'm glad you threw up in my bed because now we talk.
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