I don't know at least half of his name. I have officially become a statistic.
she hid the dish soap because she was afraid someone would confuse it with the margaritas and drink it instead. her reasoning was "theyre both soo pink...i cant tell them apart"
Its 6am and I'm sitting on the couch watching Clifford. Crying into my risotto because emily elizabeth helped the girl in the wheelchair get over her stagefright so she can win a trophy. Never drinking alone again.
They walked in to the store, ripped up the phone book, and left. Can we get on their level?
And then. You beer bonged 3 tall boys. In a row. Fell into some kids lap. And pulled down my shirt trying to get up. Thank you for that. I got laid
The sad part is I didn't even want to get laid. I just wanted the emotional connection, but my vagina was screaming "TOUCH ME. TOUCH ME RIGHT NOW BECAUSE MY DADDY ISSUES ARE MUCH DEEPER THAN MY EMOTIONAL NEEDS!" Vodka has a way of getting me out of my emotions and gets me fucked every time.
Sending dick pics while driving a car going 80 in the rain at night to a married woman? Why hello 2014
Just saw a government minister puke and rally.
I was gonna be Romantic and write your name in emoji eggplants but A's are hard
How you doing tonight? I got my butthole licked so i cant complain.
NO. NONE OF THAT. SHAME ON YOU.
I think the moment she woke up butt naked on a mattress with her phone still on her face was the point she knew last night was fucked up
If I get really high and watch Beauty and The Beast on our Netflx account, will you judge me?
Only if you start before I get home!
The lady at the liquor store in my hometown just gave ran around the corner and gave me a hug when I came back from being gone for a couple months. My life is complete.
He licked me while I ate pretzels and chips. I was really living my best life.
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