Sorry I thought I was a lizard earlier.
somehow I got talked into dressing up like a hot dog, spinning around ten times, and shooting lay ups in front of thousands of students
Say it nicely.
Fine. I want to lovingly bend you over and lovingly fuck the shit out of you. Happy?
just cockblocked my boss's 17 year old son at the Christmas party
So do you want to hear how I got the hickey first, or how I got the black eye?
I walked in on him fucking my best friend. I think we've reached the point of following each other on twitter.
I showed him my machete and then we made out in the kitchen
I'll truly miss your penis but your use of words and phrases such as bae, yolo, swag, and totes have ruined how attractive you once were.
She looked so much better when u didn't look at her and the music was too loud to hear her
Just told my roommate about "analvice" and she is horrified and the Sound of Music is ruined.
I need to stop acting like a porn star that isn't getting paid
I just ate the lyft drivers bacon cheeseburger. Well fuck me this night escalated quickly.
Remembering you have vodka in the freezer gives the same surge of happiness as finding 20 bucks in a coat pocket.
Two questions: Did you enjoy your birthday present and how did i wake up with glitter all over my dick?
I don't like kids.
You were literally holding a baby 5 minutes ago
I like them before they learn to speak and after they learn to think.
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