What do you want? Don't say anything that would make me look like a pussy at the store.
Sorry, I don't speak sober.
She STILL went home with me even when I said yes when she asked if I had an infectious disease. Turns out she asked if I had an infectious spirit...well she has my infectious spirit now
Dude, I would hit that so hard that whoever could pull me out would become the king of England
you know that hot chick that stutters? talk about an awkward orgasm
Who wants to bang the sort of girl you can get with Axe body spray??
Naturally, I just peed all over the floor. Two guys in front of me looked at me, but i just shrugged. They won't remember either.
they came at us with fireworks while we were skinny dipping in her jacuzzi at 4 am...
normally i would apologize for my drunk texting but even sober me agrees.
Beautiful fucking linguistics Shakespeare, but youre still not doing that to my face
so today, i decided to say "fuck it" to mental stability, take a klonopin and wear a blanket toga. New Girl is on Netflix, nothing could go wrong.
Let's say hypothetically if you were going to put icing on a penis and then lick it clean...what would you ice it with? Not a knife right?
If you hear death cries, thats me singing. Just let me be.
Someone just asked me why I drink so much. Im gonna slap a bitch
My horoscope should say: you're an alcoholic, get help today, Pisces
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