I give you the lube, you make me the mac and cheese, that's a pretty fair deal I think.
Totally just locked myself outside of my house, in my robe, with the fedex man and a box of sex toys. Not my week.
he got everyone in a room, turned off the lights and started throwing knives at the wall. if you got hit, you had to drink...
No I just rolled on the floor giggling. I think that's the equivalent to a post sex victory dance.
It was rough. I have dried puke in my hair and I don't know if it's mine or from the girl I met on the ground waiting for a cab.
Just let me take your liver out and beat it with a meat tenderizer for you..
Wait do we still get bagels if no one got laid
I know it doesn't seem right, but sometimes, bagels are just flat out called for.
I also love my swipe to text changed a singular vagina to a plural vaginas. like my phone somehow knows I secretly want 2 vaginas
last thing I remember is yelling 'sit on my face' through a traffic cone
I don't know what part of my sober brain thought it was a good idea to get stoned when I can barely walk with crutches as it is, but that part is stupid.
I'm not sure. But he has a pet sugar glider. So, points either way
As long as that's not his name for his dick.
It's sad that I'm more proud of my Twitter account then my resume
Why is there a wet sock in my garbage? Why did I chug so much red wine? Why was someone signing into my iCloud account at 4 am in China? Why do I do self-destructive reckless things? So many questions.
he's the kind of guy you give a fake number to and he still finds out your real number anyway...
Had a dream we were competing for tomatos.
Randomize
