it turns out vodka filled condoms arent that funny
i got turned down by a girl after she saw how big my penis was and she said "thats not goin in me"
I wish all the girls i wanted to sleep with knew how big my dick was then id have a better chance
Just passed on a threesome. I'm too old for that kind of morning after.
When I told her that her boyfriend was making out with another chick, all she said was "which one"
i now officially have to be stoned in order to look like my passport when i go to a different country
It's all good. The CSI guy came and I played the theme song while he in was in our place. The cops even laughed.
LOOK AT MY HAIR, DOES THIS LOOK LIKE THE HAIR OF A PERSON WHO HAS HER LIFE TOGETHER?
Hey, so I'm not coming into work til Friday. Some guy I've known for about 8 hours just offered me a free vacation to Maui and bought my plane ticket. He's Aussie so I'm 75% sure he won't murder me
A warmed up burrito and jelly beans. The breakfast of champions.
I was so ripped I had a natty light box over my head carrying a spray bottle out in the streets trying to give car washes.
He saved that picture of my boobs for good luck romance still exists
Watching the series finale of Friends and crying in my Thai food. I don't like hangover Jared.
sometime during the night he found me in the empty hotttub singing marvins room in only my bra.
I cannot believe I am seriously having a conversation about my best friend's sexual prowess as a dream lesbian.
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