the not having weed thing wouldnt be nearly as tragic if it wasnt the one holiday where they launch bright flaming things into the air
it felt like the flash was giving me a handjob
i've noticed that whenever i have to ask myself "would i be doing this if i was sober?" the answer is probably no.
she's using motion activated glade air fresheners as some sort of early warning system
I owe you 20 bucks. My blood work did show liver damage.
Good thing I took the morning after pill cuz I pretty much had packaged seamen in me like I was a squirrel saving it for later or something
Maybe it's the vicodin, but all I wanna do is hunt wild hogs.
You kept showing everyone at the bar your bra to prove it matched your shoes.
It's like past high you was looking out for future high you by rolling that joint and leaving it in your coat pocket. What a Halloween miracle
That's totally the Emoji for "just ran into some girl who knows I know she had an abortion"
In sex ed. they really need to include a lesson on saying tampon in foreign languages, just in case.... Trying to ask the woman at the reception desk, who barely speaks English, for one just turned into an awkward game of charades.
Let's just says his mouth writes a lot of checks that his penis just can't cash. Don't waste your time.
I love how my parents bring water bottles filled with vodka on family trips
Well I had to have sex with him so he would buy me plan b. The fact that I had sex with someone else last night who couldn't afford it is irrelevant.
I need to start dating older women. We tried sexting and she used more emojis than actual words. It was so bad that I did the math...her messages were 54% emoji. No one should make me feel this old when I'm only 28.
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