3am cut off hipster s***'s afro on porch. Opened champagne. Felt like delilah cutting off samson's hair. Then shower & anal. So I guess his powers are intact.
does it bother you that i swallowed like millions of your unborn children
actually, i try not to think about it
and i pooped them out
My mom asked what the mark on my neck was - I told her I burned it with a straightener.
She believed that the monsterous hickey on your neck was a burn?
well, not really. but then i reminded her that my sister has yet to take that pregnancy test and she conviniently forgot about my hickey
Is drinking merlot and watching womens figure skating by myself gay?
he actually said the words "do you want to pet the lizard?" with a straight face as he unzipped his pants
I made him tell me how he proposed to his wife before I'd bang him. I have a problem.
I just made a steamroller out of a christmas ornament. I feel so festive.
Either this is the best sandwich I've ever had, or my stomach is just relieved to have something in it that's not Red Bull or semen.
Can we promise no matter what that we have sex the night the Mayan calendar runs out?
THEIR PENISES MATCH. I JUST REALISED THAT. THEY HAVE IDENTICAL DICKS. OH GOD.
My mom sucked on that joint like a nipple and she was a fucking newborn
I thought I was heading girls talk. It was the toilet. Like put my ear to it
He was chasing Ciroc shots with sips of Captain Morgan... he didn't make it to midnight
I made out with a guy so that I could get ahead in the bathroom line, totally acceptable
I'm gonna make out with this 38 yr old. Mark my words. I don't even have daddy issues.
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