Apparently last night I sat at the bar with an upside down sharpie lightning bolt on my forehead, yelling "It's Harry Potter's birthday! Let me be on the qudditch team!" And I kept calling the bartender Dobby. There are videos.
Remember that one time i smeared period blood on your face?
I hate you
just woke up face down in my kitchen covered in cheetos. my mom just stepped over me to get to the coffee maker. hello summer
I think I should just go up to him and say, "before I invest time in this could I just take a look at your penis?"
I look like a herd of wild horses chewed on my back. If you bite me again while taking me from behind, I'm going to have to cut you off.
and then you seriously asked him to senior prom..which freaked him out since you told him earlier you were 22
Jail wasn't bad. Was poppin Xanax the whole way there
Someone at all my grapes... if it was you or one of your hoodrat friends I swear to god I'll shit in your shampoo
Just took last nights make up off with a sock. That hungover.
Im eating a cannibus peanut butter and jelly sandwich, while snuggling a stuffed animal. Either this flu is really really harsh or I'm some kind of stoner toddler
I've decided I'm going to drink again. More. Day drinking. Night drinking. Everything. It's the responsible thing to do since I'm not pregnant
I swear I can feel something in my uterus. Like, I can feel his sperm searching for an egg. Wtf...
I'm hoping you were seen by someone holding a frozen turkey at 230 in the morning
Have I told you i love you?
there's no need we are two peas in a naughty pod of fuckery
Just because I'm asexual doesn't mean I can't have a revenge fuck.
Randomize
