Remember back in the day when getting fingered in the movie theater was the best thing ever?
so i replaced his speed with my ped egg shaveings
dont u have athletes foot?
Stop bringing these fucking whores home with you. If I have to fight over the remote with a bleach blonde idiot wanting to watch the hills reruns one more time I'm pissing in your shampoo.
im guessing your the one that tried to make bacon in the toaster
you haven't felt a hangover until you wake up after a night of snorting tequila.
she kicked me out for pissing in the recycling bin. I mean, is it really THAT big of a deal?
I told him i wanted to be exclusively cheating with him
My grandma had to be escorted out by police.
The size of her vagina has nothing to do with the size of her heart bro
I found your pet lobster in the bathroom this morning. I went to return it to you but it escaped.
Why do I have the 4 of hearts in my bra?
Haha we got sick of drinking on 4 is for whores so we stole the cards...I woke up with three of them in mine
drunken problem solving at its finest
The lady at the Humaine Society gave me her nephew's number because I seem like a loving and caring person.
Does she know that each time you've adopted a new cat in the past year it's because some guy stopped fucking you and you don't want to eat your feelings?
just like cleaning my room and being more organized in my life. more so just making sure a toaster doesn't end up in my car again for 2 months
My mother expressed her concerns about my drinking via a facebook message.
i just want to cuddle, make out and maybe have a boob grabbed but no. someone has to have mono.
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