she was wearing a cheetah print one-piece and i slept with her anyway. big mistake.
Lets go to the mall and pick up some fat chicks and take them out tonight so we can be the skinny friends
ok so I'm texting you now like I promised instead of drunktexting aaron and telling him how badly I want his cock tonight. aren't you proud?
this is Aaron, hi
I'm inventing beer flavored vodka. This raspberry shit makes me feel like a pussy.
you were crying while pretty ricky was playing, what did you want me to do
Is it too early to say this year has been a blur?
Knows all the good gay bars AND has a dog? Wtf can't I drop pizza on guys like that????
Pray for me. I just had a sex dream about Debbie Wasserman-Schultz.
I just bought sparkling water with plan B. I am the most basic bitch to ever exist.
there's fucking coffee grinds packed all inside my pipe. what did i do
It's been THREE DAYS. Why do I still have the munchies?!
Sometimes you have good days, sometimes m you delete 360 screenshots off your camera roll.
I just discovered that jello shots are the best hangover cure
You said that last night when you did jello shots at 4am
may or may not have snorted a line of tums... wtf.
What are you, a fucking toaster ?
Randomize
