alcohol turns me into mario batali of easy mac
Your mom is more observant then Randy Newman.
he asked me to have sex with him by saying 'take one for the team'. so no we didn't do it.
Now he's lighting his socks on fire
mom brought her knitting needles with her. its bad enough to be in the ER on new years, but to be with the knitting parent!?
I ate cinnamon toast crunch. I'm officially out of the puke zone. Blackout drunk Friday. WHAT IS GOOD.
I swear to Christ if it turns out to be an intervention, i will set you on fire.
Oh my god. He likes it up the butt. But loves womanly support. Omg. Its bad. Its bad. Ive had too much whiskey for this to be ANYthing except bad.
No he can't help me find his house he is strapped to a stretcher facing the opposite direction
I have a big to do list for you. Number 1 - me. Number 2 - drink wine 3. Talk my ears off. 4. Me again
Just tried to dig out holes in my mattress for my boobs so I could be comfortable lying down on my stomach
He kept squeezing my butt and telling me how smart I was
She's still here. My penis can feel it.
Dude, I think she left with some dude like an hour ago
FOUND HER. I swear this thing is like a metal-detector
no its a draw, weve been through this, when were keeping score on getting laid i get a plus 1 handicap each week because of your British accent! its only fair!
I'm really busy with my period
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