I wonder what it would be like to be a slice of cheese.
update: the house isnt on fire anymore, but he is still pissing on all your stuff.
the house was on fire??
shit I thought I told you.
If God's watching us, we might as well be entertaining
these two guys are about to go shot for shot with syrup
now he is talking to a potato
just threw the rents a curveball by making french toast and bacon when i came home sober. good luck tellin when im high/drunk now.
Apparently 151 is to me what spinach is to popeye.
You came on your own forehead. Just wanted to remind you that.
Whoa. I woke up to 10 new text messages. All about bacon.
Birthday was great, I got entirely too drunk and made really poor life decisions. It was everything a birthday should be.
From russia with love. But also with chlamydia.
On second thought, is it weird that I scheduled a surgery that determines my fertility around lingerie football night? I might have fucked up priorities.
Absolutely not. I would have done the exact same thing.
GUESS WHO STILL HAS BOTH NIPPLES!
My girlfriend is talking to my ex-boyfriend at the bar right now. I REPEAT, GIRLFRIEND IS TALKING TO EX BOYFRIEND RIGHT NOW. GET ME THE FUCK OUT OF THIS PLAACE
I dunno what to tell you sport. Short of having a shock collar on, you're gonna wanna hook up with people.
but like who hasn’t gotten fingered at the state fair?
Randomize
