Best porno line to date...."drinks are on me..." while she female ejaculates into a wine chalice
Girls behind me in the library are trying to outslut each other with stories from last semester. I'm about to set my cock on the table between them and label it "tie breaker"
It was like fucking a house. Down the chimney. That deep and empty.
You better have your party panties on Saturday!
Why only Saturday?
Well I have an AA meeting Sat morning so I'm going to try to take it easy Fri.
You told him you were auditioning guys for your new show: "So You Think You Can Fuck."
Best pick-up line ever!
there may or may not be knives in your bed. I would check
Do you think the guy at the front desk was watching us last night? Although we were in a public pool, therefore our tits were free game.
I drunk dialed my ex-boyfriend last night. He was sitting next to my new boyfriend. Shoot me in the face.
I wish someone would just come knock on my door and fuck me already so that me and my stuffed animals aren't the only ones who see my amazing spring break tan. I'm not getting skin cancer so I can just sit here abstinent.
Bring fortys. we have the duct tape. its onnn mothafuckaaaa
I planned on emotionally scarring him for life this weekend. DAMN YOU PERIOD!
I just told the toilet I loved it. Bad sign.
In other news: I massively over-caffeinated this morning. Everything is vibrating and I can SEE THROUGH TIME
I fell asleep while eating jimmy johns last night and then woke up at 5am and continued to eat it
Spoiler alert: my plans for Halloween are going to make our dealer's birthday look like a bunch of mormon ladies having a scrapbooking circle
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