Apparently I masturbate in my sleep now.
dear vagina, thank you for making it so goddamn hard to get pregnant. i love you.
I bet her clit looks like pig in a blanket.
I get drunk and say inappropriate things... you get drunk and sleep with inappropriate people. it's what we do.
btw good call for not making out for a pitcher of vodka, this hangover is bad enough
Literally best acid trip ever. Better than sex. At one point she looked over at me, started crying, holds up her hands and said "dinosaur tears of sadness". Craziest roommate ever.
I'm trying to pinpoint the moment when "don't do anything I wouldn't do" became bad advise.
He looks like a fat version of lurch from the adams family and smells like fritos. This is not the caliber man I want pleasuring himself to the thought of me!
Anywho, an ostrich attacked me today. Fucking useless pieces of shit birds.
I asked him if he wanted a pillow, and he replied "No. Batman never had pillows."
I had sex on a dinosaur comforter, tell me that does not define my life.
Don't forget my pants whenever you come over, otherwise we can't get in.
If I get the job, I'm gonna get wasted to celebrate. If I don't get the job, I'm gonna get wasted to forget. Win-Win
Like if I exploded right now there would be cum and fajitas everywhere.
Nothing says I'm doing some sketchy shit like coming out of your bedroom with your underwear inside out
Randomize
