I just woke up in my closet, wearing a pink cowboy hat and a pink thong...
I want my thong back.
I hate you tequila.
We just spray painted his balls while he is passed out....I cant wait to see him try to figure this out in the morning.
You were so drunk last night you typed www.face.come/cheese.com as if you were logging into facebook.
So after I was tied with a feather boa he left me there with KFC and cherry coke
I told him I was engaged, had 911 on speed dial and made him wear his seatbelt, then dropped his drunk ass off at his motel...probably not the night he was expecting.
I five year old is judging me because I just opened a bottle of Sam Adams with my teeth before 8am
Moment of the night: you were impatient while I paid for the tequila shots and proceeded to lick and salt MY hand for me. This is why we're roommates.
If you were awake I would probably ride my bike over, fuck you like a god, leave you in the wonders of life, and bike home
I'm beer bonging chocolate fondue. That's how my Valentines Day is going.
Surprise court date day!!! Wake the fuck up!
I offered to trade my cat for a bottle of tequila as long as it had a handle on it and realized I had a problem
I told him we can’t see each other today because absence makes the heart grow fonder but mostly I just need to rest my vag
Try to fuck my roomie AND steal my slippers: you are no longer my favorite cousin.
stop texting me about your public sex.
says she who narrated getting eaten out in a movie theatre over text to me
He climbed on the counter and announced it was time for something called The Cocktacular and all the girls immediately left. He cockblocked the entire fraternity!
Randomize