guess who came home with a hottie last night
Def drugged
This cookie i'm eating tastes like pizza. It was so worth contacting my sister for pot.
People kept wishing me happy birthday last night. apparently i was 21st birthday drunk
You should come over. I am making a celebratory I got laid by a huge penis cake.
I'm in the line at the airport trying not to vomit on the person in front of me. Happy Tuesday.
Okay well someone asked "IS HE HOMELESS?" about me so I need to try and find somebody.
You can't call dibs 8 years later.
all I wanna do is swim in an Olympic sized pool of Gatorade and tylenol.
I just put on eyeliner and a diff shirt in case the pizza guy is cute. This is what my dating life has come to
She was the shot vending machine at the party. But free.
You kept trying to use my cat as a napkin.
Let's run into the wild and just eat berries and have sex all the time.
My gynaecologist hit my g-spot today by accident and for some reason I went "at least someone found it" VERY AWKWARD
Just told myself the phrase "You're not THAT single" while dressing myself
But I thought it was so funny last night
You also thought you were a gypsy mermaid last night
Randomize
