Driving out to Plano is like driving away from your twenties
My room should be renamed "Land of the Misfit Condoms."
I'm going to make him fall in love with me one blow job at a time.
It'll be like a meth lab. But with jello.
i just remembered that i did the "single ladies" dance ON THE BAR...fuck you slippery nipples i curse the day i discovered you
You called me to pick you up from the bar at 9:00. When we drove over the speed bumps you put your hands in the air and pretended you were on a roller coaster.
It's not so much that I'm giving her money because I threw up on her floor. It's more like I'm paying her to never ever mention it again.
I just realized that I have dated 5 unemployed guys...and 3 that drove pt cruisers...Turns out I do have a type.
How many band members does it take to become The Band Slut? I think I might be dangerously close
these are times I'm glad I'm Jewish because the Torah is just like "drink, eat, and fuck"
She pretty much spent NYE measuring dicks, trying to decide which one to take home.
Dude, there are some things that you can't un-see. Her, beached on a dog bed, is one of them.
I slept awesome next to you. You're like an electric blanket that I can have morning sex with.
Like a gentleman I waited until you were done vomming to start my Big Mac.
I don’t want to brag, but vows, morals and will power are no match for my blow job skills
Randomize
