Call me at 7:30 and make sure I'm not asleep in this booth at Waffle House.
She's mad at me cuz I told her having a fuck buddy was too much commitment.
He just keeps repeating "this isn't my bagel".. i'm worried for his safety
Ok well I'll be up all night studying if you need a wake up call or a place to put your penis.
Beer bonging to Ave Maria
You lifted he top layer off his birthday cake and made it say 'eat me' in the cookie monster voice so yeah he knew.
I just crashed on my couch and have no intention of ever getting up again
I will be over with a bedpan and beer
I woke up to realize my keys were on the front porch. Also so was I. So close yet so far
DON'T WEAR PANTS.
I REPEAT.
DO. NOT. WEAR. TROUSERS.
I was 100% done.. I used my vibrator while eating cold pizza. Shit was magical.
I still think it's strange your mom saw me 93% naked with a Santa hat on and a raging boner. Tis the season right?
I went 670% over budget on my vacation. My accountant would flip if he weren't me.
How the fuck do you have so much free time?
Polyphasic sleep schedule.
Because you hugged a homeless guy, and I paid him 5 bucks to give us our giraffe balloon animal back. That's why.
I mean seriously with your cock and my tits combined we could rule the world. Pinky and the brain style
please come back. it's turned into strip rock paper scissors
Randomize
