One night stand!! Now I'm pissing excellence
That burning is chlamydia
we usually just have an Easter beer hunt and never end up at church anyways
I swear if his heart was half the size of the cum stains he's left on my sheets we would have the perfect relationship
while you've been gone this has kinda turned into some sort of fivesome-type thing. just thought i should warn you for when you get back
I feel like god wrote up a contract of my life, and i just signed off on that shit without reading the fine print.
Pretty sure the nurse said at one point I was in full restraints because I tried surfing my stretcher
He keeps texting me videos of fish swimming in his fish tank, so I think it's safe to say he's back on weed.
She shoved a hot dog in my pocket and started grinding on it.
You can't have your cake and publicly stick your dick in it too
Nothing can teach you regret more efficiently than a wine hangover.
Ps I took your recycling out, the 9 champagne bottles, vodka bottle, and tequila bottle is how I knew it was yours
That reminds me of the morning I woke up on the sidewalk covered in chicken wings
I woke up handcuffed to a bed wearing nothing but an army belt. Does this count as thanking our country?
I swam, I rode a bicycle, I rode a horse, I danced. It was like a real life tampon advert.
I feel like you should store your weed in something that suits your personality. For example mines in a hollowed out disney princess book.
Randomize
