everyone knows that carl winslow was the sexiest man in die hard.
I've had cake for breakfast the past 3 days. You tell me how bikini season is going.
Just because we buy weed together doesn't mean were a couple
I'd appreciated it if you didn't lick my boyfriends face again. I'm askin nicely. Thank you.
She asked the taxi driver to stop at the Texaco because she had to puke. She did then stumbled into the gas station and bought a 40.
I can't tell you details but at one point I had her pee strapped to my back in a ziploc
Ohhh. Its been awhile. Vending machine hotel condoms are $15 here who can afford to not get herpes?
If she says "This is how acid feels" one more time I'm never trip-sitting them again.
Is singing the Indiana Jones theme while I put on the condom off limits?
I'm not the one who can lose their erection, so it's fair game
I say go for the trifecta and maybe you'll get a medal or something. Or a baby. That's like the same thing right?
Oh shit. The hangover. It has taken 20 mins and 5 attempts to tie my shoelaces
Every time I start to think he's just not worth the trouble, he puts his face down there and I wanna buy him a car
You asked for his ID and then said "I am like a bouncer but for my vagina."
Well I'm half drunk in a green tutu at a chipotle. So pretty good parade.
90% sure the total babe I have been talking to all night has a kid. Ugh, so sad right now.
Im so high
Randomize
