im returning my roomates shirt with a "i got laid in this" thank you note
I just used my 7th grade year book to figure out who I hooked up with last night. Being home is magical.
i've never smoked before...when you said wake and bake i thought you meant like a funeral bbq or something
she asked me if i can do her a favor, came over, and gave me head then left. i still dont understand how that was a favor for her.
i just masturbated in footie pajamas. there's no judgement here.
I'm drinking sangria out of a sand pail. I'll pass on tonight
i feel like the 7 eleven by your house knows our deepest, darkest secrets
please bring me a paper towel asap.
I was drinking wine in bed and spilt some on my chest.. And I cautiously guided it into my belly button but now I dont know what to do.
It feels like there's puke trying to explode out of me from behind my eyeballs.
Dude, jerking off when you're all hopped up on pre workout energy supplements has got to be the greatest thing I've ever done.
Four times in one night? That Energizer bunny outfit lived up to the hype.
It's a little weird that I'm blowing my wingman.
Gramp just called her sex-on-a-stick. AKA HE CALLED HER A WHORE. My 75 year old grandfather just called your ex's new thing a whore.
Tbh.. I hope he still watches our sex tapes so he can be reminded of what he's missing out
Could be all of this cough syrup, but I’m ready to fuck 2018 up!
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