I can only date guys with blackberrys
I just decided its a new prereq to talk to me
Tonight, I'm planning on being a bigger trainwreck than Britney Spears circa 2007.
I woke up with a black eye and dim memories of announcing that i had super powers. I shoved my pockets full of canned tuna and tried to jump off the balcony. And then my boyfriend called the cops.
so you're not coming in to work today?
I think even Ryan Seacrest is disgusted with the thought of Ryan Seacrest getting some.
so yeah i told her you were going to become a doctor and the first thing she said was "i still don't want to fuck him". i tried.
Considering how much money I just spent on slutty lingerie, it is totally appropriate for me to be plucking my nipple hair right now. Right?
Two people confessed their love to me last night. Drunk is a good color on me
You are my mentor.
I drank wine out of a protein shake bottle last night. You may want to rethink that statement.
correction: my vagina hates that I'm smart.
Can I just skip the lesson I have planned for tomorrow and just teach my students about Prohibition using my impending hangover?
This is why american education is failing
He's still short.... And probably a douchebag. But if we ever run into him downtown I fully encourage you to take him home and have "I hate you douchebag" sex and lick every inch of that disgustingly toned chest.
Saying I've had more balls in my mouth than you is the last clear, coherent thing I remember.
I fell asleep completely naked, standing up with my arms and head in the freezer
starting to feel like a fuck wizard with a magical sixth sense for people fucking.
She turned down sex for beer pong. I'm not sure if I should be disappointed or not.
Randomize
