i just got the best bj of my life in the pastors office at church.. Youre right jesus really does love me.
a garbage man just dropped off my phone and wallet. he found them in the trash this morning.
Realized I'm still to drunk to comprehend work emails. Marked them all as unread. Here's to responsible hang overs.
Welp, she's chewing our paper towels again. She's like an obnoxiously hot puppy
I will fight anything that is not spinning right now
He ended up walking out of his bedroom and told me to look at the nonexistent fire he was holding in his hand. Im upset I didn't take those shrooms.
We found Kyle. He was next door yelling at the elderly couple to let him continue his golf game. No more afternoon drinking for him.
wearing the bible to the ABC party, thought you'd appreciate that.
Like I would feel weird too if you just cancelled our wedding, cut off all your hair and started twerking everywhere
Thanks for listening. You're the first guy I've ever worked with who I didn't want to fuck.
I woke up with my phone plugged into an extension cord in my garage. No clue how I got home. Videos of me flogging my roommate with my set of keys telling him he's the worst roommate ever. And my mom woke me up at 8am asking how to make a DVD...Goddamnit first Friday.
I woke up naked and you weren't here. What a relief.
just got back. in my inebriated state i broke an ugly lamp and was sent to the store (still drunk) to get a new one. just spent last half hour in isle 3 of dollar general surounded by more ugly lamps and trying not to throw up on each and every single one.
A guy in a chewbacca suit just came up to me and asked me to buy him weed.
I'd send you a picture as proof but I want to marry him some day and that would be a deal breaker.
Randomize
