Just woke up with three stitches in my left boob. Nevertheless, I think I'm going to like this school.
M WATCHING THE HISTORY CHANNEL AND IT SAID THAT WHEN THE LUST PART OF THE BRAIN IS ACTIVATED THE JUDGEMENT PART IS NOT. THIS EXPLAINS SO MUCH.
Woke up in my own bed with a "New Years Eve 2011" bar bracelet on. Both of these things confuse me.
stop bragging. last time i got laid i got double pink eye, and it was so not worth it
My body is being held together with whiskey, nicotine, duct tape and a little bit of hope...
No it's cool, He's been doing my English papers in exchange for lap dances since the eleventh grade. We're very professional.
She just tried to talk over a fart. The fart was way longer than the sentence she originally wanted to say so she just added gibberish to the end. Gross
Asking the homeless man what buss shelter is the warmest was not a good idea
Just peed out a window, not entirely sure it's open. Can't tell. I'll find out in the morning.
I just faked an orgasm while masturbating. Idk what exactly my problem is but I have one
he just used a semicolon in the middle of a sext
Hey I consider Sunday's trip to the ER a success. You're alive and now you know for sure you're not pregnant. I got my highest ever Tetris score. Wins all around.
It's Valentine's Day, I figure for sure we'll have sex today, right? Wrong. I tried unsuccessfully for like an hour to get him to fuck me. Now he's asleep and I'm on my way to join the public library.
Dude in the stall next to me shitting and sobbing. Dude another stall over, "Come on bro, you gotta loosen up." This is why I don't shit in public.
he had to stop me from eating snow off the street on the way back to pick up our cars. that's how hungover i am.
Randomize
