In hindsight, i should have predicted that a drink called the 'rocky mountain bear fucker' would not end in a pleasant experience
i just got arrested. apparently dont move means dont move.
his dick is like his red hair, amazing but useless
aw he's cute...not in a i wanna rip his clothes off way more of a put him in my pocket and keep him as a pet
And occasionally lick whipped cream off them abs
Exactly.
mom in a round about way told me to either donate my eggs or become a surrogate bcuz I need money.
Have you resumed life with the rest of the world yet or are you still huddled in the fetal position while wearing compression gear?
it would be cheaper just to buy a dildo to intimidate people with.
Please never let me the drunk fat dancer in the bus girl
I woke up in a sink... Not like curled up on top of it though. I was standing, bent over, face first. IN THE DAMN SINK.
I just want you and your enormous dick to be my fucking rebound so we can move on with our lives
Woke up to my asscrack filled with melted Reese's Pieces. Halloween parties are so weird here man
Did I seriously kick a door down last night... And if so when where and how hard, cause that shit I do not recall.
in a last ditch attempt to make life awkward after i die today i want to be buried naked and have an open casket funeral.
I just used my dick as to measure where my desk would go because I don't have a tape measure or a ruler.
I told him I might be pregnant and he said he'd buy me a test and a twix bar. I'm marrying him. Tomorrow.
Randomize
