Dude. I just woke up without a shirt or bra on. Apparently I fell asleep with a quesadilla in my mouth. I can feel my liver hating me.
Be careful down there, Shane may have pooped on the carpet.
just had dinner with my dad's new gf and her daughter.. had to drink a beer to get through it.. she's 19 she has on a disney watch and snowflake earrings
her cat watched me eat her out... I would use the alternate term for both of those things but it's too weird.
Do you need a place to sleep? Cause I fucked in the guestroom a few weeks ago and never washed the sheets. But if you don't care neither do I.
All I could think about when I saw her was that she could be the mother of my future first round draft picks
Just to an Octoberfest and a sex party. Nothing wild.
Just thinking about this summer makes me feel a slight tingle of an orgasm mixed with a twinge of regret as the cold ghostly feeling of multiple hangovers creep into my body.
Yeah, I'm sure we have time for sex AND ihop.
The Vicodin is in the strawberries.
They don't have a Valentines Day card for the married guy I'm sleeping with. It can't use the words, love, soulmate, you're the only one for me...and obviously it can't be anything related to spending the day together because that's not happening.
Look, I tried but his dick tasted like disappointment.
I need to stop waking up with no pants on.
what happened this time
I dont know everyone was gone and there was a bird in the room
Okay, this next statement may sound like a red flag but I'm tellin you, shotgunning those two beers really helped me love my child more effectively. Honest.
Is there a nice, calm way of telling your friend/housemate/former lover/person who does not reciprocate your feelings that your period is late?
Randomize
