I woke up and my clothes were soaked in the shower and I was wearing a Ghostbusters uniform. I'm shocked she hasn't left me yet.
We shoved chex mix between her tits for her own survival.
Just bought a McDouble with a tightly rolled dollar. The lady just gave me a sad face...
So we just left her at the hospital. She is not ruining my Monday night
At some point i could of swore that you were in my bedroom riding a manatee last night..... I like my new dealer
and let me tell you something, handcuffs are surprisingly uncomfortable when they arent being used in a sexual manner
She was mad I came so fast. I was like, It's the Olympics! Fastest time wins! We can train you in the offseason.
I got my little bro high for the first time... Turns out the two of us stoned together is a mess. We spent 10 minutes trying to communicate with each other using just our eyebrows.
Where's Taylor bro?
Never mind found him under the sink
He's on the floor in just a Burberry tie. All my girl parts just tapped out.
I'm not entirely sure that the guy that just texted me is not on drugs right now. I'm also not entirely sure that he isn't about to be incarcerated.
Hey! Happy Birthday! Could you do me a favor and bring my underwear to the bar?
Plus you get to call him out on being a dick. It's more satisfying than ever sex I've ever had.
I feel like I lost a fight with an 800 lb gorilla made of tequila
hi, I love you... and I'm sorry your floor is covered in popcorn, your cabinet is broken, all your alcohol is gone, you're 80 dollars poorer, everything in your bedside table is soaked in beer, austin slept in your bed in those disgusting underwear, I made out with your toilet seat, and for talking to your mom with a four loko in my hand
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