How am I still drunk? Whoever said breakfast is the most important meal obviously didn't skip dinner and go drinking.
He's a good guy, we stopped by his old church.
And you didn't burst into flames?
To the genius that put everclear in my humidifier: your time is coming.
took adderall before wrapping presents, ended up making paper snowflakes for two hours
She's an honest to god fucking ballerina. She did things I don't have names for.
my boss just offered me his leftover salvia im not sure if it was a trick question
I'm pretty sure I just crapped out my pancreas. I have 2 of those, right?
He wins the giant teddy bear for getting the neuva ring on the dick
She took a six hour road trip with me so I could have revenge sex with my ex's brother. That is the definition of a best friend.
earned some solid air miles from the plan B I just bought. #silverlinings
His birthday is on Valentines Day, of course he's getting a blowjob
If he's gonna send me dick pics; he should at least zoom in to make it look bigger.
So basically he is jobless, a potential serial killer, and has poor taste in music? We simply don't have time for that.
The candles are lit, the magic circle is drawn, now all we need to do is get naked and see how many orgasms we can manage.
i woke up to drewlling on a plate of eggrolls half naked halfway between my bed and the floor, and i have no idea where my pants went
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