Santa Clause just drove by me on a fire truck. Epic night begins.
So i closed my laptop as i started to fall off my bed and then i caught myself and realized that moment of catching myself is the difference between tuesday and friday.
I'm customer of the month for a 3rd time now at the Wine store. I've achieved so much in my life
chugging beers on the train. people are staring. I would be offended if it wasn't 8:30
It was a cry at the bar alone type of night, served with a side of passing out facedown in my nachos.
You were outside the bathroom the gay guy was puking in, screaming "IT GETS BETTER!" over and over again. Good message, poor execution.
Dude. My cat just tried to bat the tampon string hanging from body. NOT COOL, SEYMOUR. NOT COOL.
I would really just like to get laid somewhere that's not on a bathroom floor at this point in my life
Your mother may get texts again about women putting dog food up their vaginas and asking for it to be licked.
Do you have a moment to talk about our lord and savior, Kendra's boobs?
First encounter with a mirco peen. I was confused when he said he doesnt go down on girls. Cmon dude, practice on a peach.
If sandwichs had dicks, my life would be complete
You're like the fucking Mozart of sexting.
For starters i called the cops on myself for trying to destroy the ladys decorations
At one point my little brother was Rocky Balboa'd by a stripper's tit
Randomize
