yeah for some reason your penis didn't fit in my mouth the other day
I'm reading about reasons for wearing clothing. IS THIS COLLEGE OR PRESCHOOL?
He woke me up by trying to shove oreos in my mouth. im ready to go home now
dude she has hot friends.. do you want blonde brunette or red head.. maybe asian?
what is this build-a-bear? .. just gimme one thats breathing
I should have some sort of frequent buyer card or something. I just bought my third bottle of Captain this week. It's Wednesday.
he yelled at me for calling the fat girl fat. if I can't call out fat girls to my brother who do i have?
OMG HAIR ON HIS DICK. HAIR ON HIS DICK AS IN GROWING OUT OF HIS DICK. HAIR.
Asking the cop for directions wearing a lion mask may not have been my best moment...
You can't start the super bowl without starting a kitchen fire making cole slaw. Its unamerican.
I don't even want to know
This weekend has taught me that sometimes, being buried under a mattress is the safest place in the room.
It's gonna be one of those someone is getting divorced parties
The girls danced. I drank. Then I danced cause I was drunk. Then I ripped tim's shirt off cause I'm awesome.
I found a door knob in my purse this morning, I hope whoever it belonged to doesn't need it today.
hahahah
I forgot to tell you, that tinder guy literally lives 15 floors beneath me. I have been creepily saying things to him like "I see youve got a hammer on the patio"
Remember the random guy who licked my face when we were at the bar the other night?
Yeah. His name is Andrew. We just met
Randomize
