shotgunning a bud heavy is like shotgunning a turkey sandwich
Michael Bay diarrhea
I went to the gynecologist and they said, "you're the most fun person we've ever had," and i thought, "that's exactly why i'm here!"
I just had to take a drug test for my new job. I should have asked them if they could tell me if I were pregnant or not while they were at it and save me the guesswork.
just graduated on the spot on the quad where I vommed freshman year. full circle
So I just learned that my father was teaching me rules for drinking games when I was 5.
For the record, saying you're friends with the owner doesn't work when the owner is the one throwing you out.
She literally just puked and rallied AT HER OWN WEDDING. Welcome to White Trash town, America.
Minus the pink eye. Do I look fuckable tonight?
You made out with a guy who refers to his cock as "rafiki." Are you proud of yourself?
You rubbed your penis on my leg and said "people have paid for this kind of action"
I'm drunk in your building find me and we can have sex.
You ever just wake up and decide, today I'm going to eat a whole bag of fritos and a tub of cream cheese
I just woke and boke and made apple pancakes. I'm kicking Monday in the dick.
I had sex with him in the back of my car in a duck onesie. I'm worth something dammit.
Randomize
