Since she's grinding up on your thigh right now, I'm sending you this text hoping it makes your phone vibrate in her vagina
I drunkenly recorded an episode of Family Matters last night. I took a shot everytime Carl Winslow had a mustache.
Absence makes the cock grow harder.
sick fucks of a feather flock together
Your subconscious sucks. Mine is awesome. I have a recurring dream where I manage a chocolate factory run by big titted hookers.
A) you're a liar. B) that would be awesome.
Hey it happens. Think of it this way- you didn't wake up in jail, your face wasn't inexplicably busted and you still have all your teeth. In this group of friends, you're on top!
He's such a champ. He puked on purpose just so he'd be coherent enough to roll this blunt
No memories of receiving this. Or of getting home. Or of apparently developing a taste for marmalade, which I assume is yours because I have literally never eaten it before. It's all over the kitchen. And my phone. And in my hair. Oh god I wish I wasn't on the train to work. X And sorry about the kitchen x
my head feels like a yellow yolk spinning in a circle at the bottom of the bowl.. i may have a concussion, love auto correct
There will always be a place in my black heart for him because he gave me my first sex-induced orgasm. While you slept on the bunk above.
Guess who isn't pregnant with a random sex ocean baby?!?!
I'm too depressed to masturbate. This election is the worst.
well i can officially check "have sex in a prius" off my bucket list...
I will consider today a failure if my nipple isn't bitten at least 😂
Oh is THAT how we're gonna play mini golf
You kept calling yourself a spider monkey... Then ran to the bathroom to "prepare for the main event"
Randomize
