I kiss like a newly born barfing kangaroo
Dry humping a girl for an hour and then jizzing in your pants doesn't count as losing it.
I fell off the front porch last night. Actually.. I dove. I dove off the front porch.
You were playing beer pong by yourself. Finally someone took the ball and threw it into the bonfire. You sat by it, cried, and contemplated how to get it out. For 45 minutes.
You were sitting at the bus stop holding hands with some Polish girl you just met, who was just as drunk as you were, and you kept trying to light your Kit Kat and smoke it.
I couldn't be mad. She was crying because she fell bare ass into the rose bush trying to pee. So I held her up mid-stream and she peed on my feet. No big
I swear she hasnt shaved since the last time we hooked up 5 months ago
Dude you missed it. This guy in the liquor store knocked over a whole display of 5 hour energy with his face.
I'm totally wasted about to ride water slides. That's goddamn 'Merican. That and Clint Eastwood.
Honestly I'm not even that excited to see my boyfriend. I'm more excited to see his penis. His penis inside of me.
Everyone was soo nice and genuine.. Then again it coulda just been the drugs.
Actually, I may scrap this entire plan. I just realized that I had sex with a guy with his own whiskey commercial.
Yeah ok. We can maid of honor each other since you don't like my boobs enough to lesbian marry me
We have angered the beer gods. It feels like I'm shitting angry cats.
FYI - Don’t go in the downstairs bathroom. Ryan is passed out naked on the floor with a raging hard on.
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