Hes a 32 yr old divorced sailor that calls me almost every night drunk begging me to call him big daddy. I think i might need to change my number.
Best. Handjob. Ever.
I'm guessing Kelly is over?
Nope. Home alone.
He nailed 50 frozen hamburgers to the ceiling last night. Now there are flies every where.
I'm drinking vodka out of a coffee pot. and i'm not even mad about it
I always give him head in random places, it's a guessing game for his cock.
Have you seen Dave? He's not on top of the bar anymore but I found his shirt.
I lost a whole day of my life. Apparemtly I was using my deodrant as a phone. And is my phone there?
Celebrated the veterans I suppose, my mouth tastes of gin and black outs
Meanwhile I'm working a fucking flute workshop and I'm one high c away from shoving a flute up the asshole of the next passerby
When was the last time you wore pants?
Time is relative.
And pants are optional.
So do I get to ride the beginning of the November stache or what?
I'm 99% sure the Indians were high for thanksgiving and we should respect that by getting high too
Don't you hate falling asleep on the couch with a glass of wine in your hand? It's like dreaming about peeing and then realizing you've peed the bed only stickier.
You were pretty conviced that my dog was a spanish child and kept trying to read him the news from your iphone app
My boss is paying me to come clean his house in a maid outfit and told me not to tell anyone....this is shady as fuck but I need the money
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