Yeah. He most definitely jizzed himself in the face.
this boner is exhausting
Not going out tonight. And so the 25 day drinking streak ends....
My roommate was being an ass so I put everyone's drinks/shots on his tab for the entire night. Then when we left he was telling me how he got out cheaper than last time.
Just saw a midget on an elliptical. Epic.
I have what looks like a rubber stamp mark on my cock from last night that says "Magic Marla Approved" Do we know a Marla?
You shall now refer to my vagina as patty and patty only
Also I've been at work for an hour and I've already been "honey"d "babe"d and "beautiful"d by three separate men. Apparently hungover with yesterdays make up looks good on me.
I have just found the cubicle of sustenance. And I will rejoice at all the families that have not found this magic. This vodka cubicle of magic.
Who breaks their ankle the day before a beach wedding? This guy. Maybe this is karma for fucking someone's wife? Idk.
My dry spell starts kindergarten this fall...
They grow up so fast.
You threw up with such class too! Tiara and all.
I just got woken up by that guy wearing a Krispy Kreme hat giving out donuts
I know you like got hit by a car but do you want to come to my birthday pardi
my grocery list today consisted of condoms. and butter.
umm... whats the butter for?
Randomize
