You look like a girl that would like strip clubs
you used to get mad at me for mentioning 'unprotected sex' and happenings in my bed
well yeah, but then i realized the wisdom of your ways.
To bright to open both eye. Get pizza and put in feeding tube so i can sleep more
dude stop sending me pictures of your dick in weird places. i get it. you rock out with your cock out.
The cop refused to sing with us, even though he was as happy as we were that the tow truck finally showed up.
I am NOT getting arrested in a wig.
I feel like the only phrases I can clearly speak while drunk consist of: i'm fucking drunk, chug, and shots
I woke up to you singing What Makes You Beautiful and trying to blend an avocado with vodka.
She looks like she smells of sausage, sunblock and sorrow.
Alright, text me when you get close. I've got a mustache and I'm ready to get my day drunk on.
Omg this is like trying to sleep on a pile of ballsacks.
I am the Angelina Jolie to his Billy Bob Thorton. We just don't work.
my hair smells like a mixture of fireworks and rotten eggs with a hint of shame. it's so strong it's keeping me awake.
He fingerfucked me in the hot tub and then we had sex in the wine cellar. See thats why I like partying with rich people
I woke up and found my apartment really clean, appearantly drunk me couldn't tolerate living there anymore and left sober me a lot of insulting post-its...
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