I wish I could test you the smell I just had to experience. It smelled like this lady was microwaving squirrel rectum.
He doesn't make grammatical errors. Even while getting head.
i left after you tried to balance a shot of tequila on your head while screaming at the bar tender that you fucked his girlfriend
I've started grabbing my boobs in front of my lesbian philosophy professor so she'll give me a better grade. It's working...
Tomorrow night wont work for me. I'm talking with Bryan about marriage and I dont want to have a shroom hangover.
Sadly him cutting me out of the duct tape dress was NOT the most awkward part of the night. It was a littleeee moist under there.....
I might come over. Something about you makes me matronly and I have this urge to nurse you back to health with soup and a blowjob
I was about to smoke a bunch of weed and lay naked while I cried all day
It looked like his dick was wearing an argyle sweater.
I was thinking that, but I'm not sure the proper etiquette on asking about someone's nipple rings. Even if you did see them and compliment them once.
Dying on my bathroom floor at 7 am, I would rather be eaten by a shark right now
We were going to play manhunt in a strip club, calling it mancunt.
You poured 151 in your eye, ran face first into a tree, fell down, then threw a lawn chair at the dog...all before passing out in the hallway and pissing yourself. There is no way to redeem yourself.
saying im screwed is like saying the titanic took on a little water.
I just tried to dye my pubic hair teal for her
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