I'm dying. Please wear something slutty to my funeral.
I'm pretty sure she sent a group text out saying that I was the one to get with her last night and sorry to everyone who didnt make it.
Honestly it was an honor just to be nominated.
It's a pity Stephen Hawking can't do sarcasm.
I literally ate my thanksgiving dinner while getting a lapdance. And honestly, after that, there is no other way.
the russians are downstairs with the vodka loudly proclaiming happy birthday america. i don't care if it's the fourth, i care that it's 9 am and they woke me up.
he was drinking cheap vodka with warm tap water and a packet of crystal light. if that's not an alcoholic then idk what is
Single handedly the worst sex I've ever had just went down. Its like we both laid there after word-less thinking about the other " could they be any worse in bed" ?
i walked outside and you were driving up the stairs to her apartment
I'm bleeding from my lower lip, and I have bruises around my neck. It was just easier to say I got mugged.
Mom just texted me to see if it was you who was streaking at the Mariner game... Did you accept yet another $1 bet?
I'm trying to decide whether it's worth it to masturbate in this gas station bathroom
ALSO I MAYBE ACCIDENTALLY HAND CUFFED MYSELF TO A CHAIR
I don't remember what you did, but I DO remember that i'm supposed to hate you for it.
She came into the salon and said, "Don't judge me. Yes that's cum in my hair and I want a shampoo, cut and style."
You have thirteen minutes to get here if you want to get back together. Otherwise I'm getting digits from the waitress.
Randomize
