i bought another $5 worth of vodka. with change. i look like a homeless alcoholic. i need your dino cups or else i'll be forced to make a giant jello bowl shot
it was like i was on a global safari of uncircumcised men
The meeting is at the same hotel we go to for sex. Avoiding eye contact with all the staff there.
Wish i knew who the f is sending me pics of asian newborns.
the story is to long to tell you via txt so when you notice the tattoo on your ass call me.
I think I just accidentally agreed to become a surrogate for a gay couple
Out of desperation, I used the leftover sauce from my goat masala as a mixer for vodka shots.
Then he claimed me as his prize for 3rd place in a wing eating contest. Too romantic.
I'm about to fuck a girl in an old school Tony Kukoc Bulls jersey. About to earn my third championship ring in sex
Do you count doing $200 of coke off his dick until 6am as a successful rekindling of our relationship or...
You put on some guys Birkenstocks that were abandoned on the dance floor overtop of your flats. Then ran out of the bar high gives the bouncer and said "look at my new kicks" then he was like woah wait a minute someone is missing those and made you return them. You were very upset
How old am I that I had to sneak a boy out of my room this morning...
6 showers laters and I still feel like I have his vomit in my vagina. At least I could help him figure out he's gay.
my birth father cheated on his wife with my birth mother. it's literally in my blood to be a home wrecker.
So this is how i'm celebrating Easter? By eating chicken nuggets and masturbating all day. What a life.
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