A few issues tonight. 1) Drunk since 1pm. 2) At the bar at 4pm. 3) James brought his sister, who has enormous breasts, isnt shy about cleavage, obviously slutty, and makes me want to do things that would even have Atheists sending me to hell. However, she's wearing glitter, so all Im thinking about is Edward Cullen. Go ahead and rip up my Man Card.
it's kind of slutty but what the hell, so are we
If you bring me a slurpee and advil I will eat you out for like an hour.
I'm standing in line at the liquor store and they're making popcorn.
You are the only person I know who got away with wearing a turtleneck while getting laid. ONLY person.
I got 87 likes on my changed relationship status. It's official. I'm way more fucking awesome single.
They're mostly guys
Early bird gets the worm.
Why can't I live in a world where my only 2 options are rum bikini hot tub party or masturbating?
Any clothing i put on is too many clothes.
You sent me a picture of you holding a goat then asked me if I would have day sex
I cannot even describe to you the most amazing ass I have ever had the pleasure of seeing walk up the stairs in front of me just now.
You think you know everything because you're wearing a sweater
At what point in a new hookup do you tell the guy you need to wear a mouth guard when you sleepover because of your TMJ? Asking for a friend.
That's why we have robots to masturbate for us
Someone made a mask out of a crown royal bag. Can't decide if tacky or awesome.
I just want a man in my bed on a regular basis, who cuddles, and who I can also occasionally hang out with outside of my bedroom. Is that too much to ask for?
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