I am scared. I picture you doing a keg stand on a sinking ship with hula girls cheering you on. Please text me when you get back to shore...or now would be good
Ya know, I lied. I wouldn't mess with him. Not because of the crazy/rehab issues... but because he wears tank-tops.
Moment of the night: you were impatient while I paid for the tequila shots and proceeded to lick and salt MY hand for me. This is why we're roommates.
I spent part of my valentines extracting candy hearts from a woman's vagina. The entire time I was thinking "this job pays for my Mercedes. This job pays for my Mercedes. This job pays for my Mercedes."
If shame burned calories, I'll be back to my birth weight by the end of this weekend.
Ur wingman ability is causing serious doubt
Ok first off its WAY easier if you are actually here
My coworker's brand new computer showed up today. He's on vacation for the next week. Brian and I are installing Windows 98 on it.
Just had to stop myself from doing a bump on the Disney bus. The struggle is real.
That moment that random you banged behind the bar is going to be your son's third grade teacher... yup I'm there.
My little brother came home while I was sitting there icing my vagina with a bag of peas. Asshole looks at me, high fives Ryan, then leaves.
Nothing makes me prouder to be liberal and socialist than the idea of desecrating the memory of Ronald Reagan
Your clever response has earned you a blow job this week
Let's be honest, I've seen a decent amount of dicks in my life and very few of them have been worth all the trouble.
Not sure if I should ask if I can have my underwear back or just avoid that all together.
Pretty sure he proposed because my house is awesome. His ass is a ten and he's offering to pay more than half the bills... How expensive is a divorce really? I mean I could probably put up with him for three or four years but a lifetime is a big ask.
Randomize
