remind me next year to leave the 19 year old girl at home when you're going to pride. total cock block
i freaking love being in a circle of guys. if i fart none of them suspect me.
just fucked my old babysitter, gotta love block parties
You are the worst substitute drug dealer ever
Also, that dude projectile vomiting all over the living room was the perfect distraction for me to swipe the booze and run.
If you make 120 dollars and I walk instd of drive and don't eat or smoke this week we can pay rent
He's not actually Jewish. Turns out he just wears the yarmulke to cover his bald spot.
I'm like 80% sure we nearly got arrested because we threw fireworks at a car
Are you still feeling it? I'm in the bathtub. The water doesn't work but it's okay because I'm wearing pants.
We ended up at a lesbian bar and all my co-workers tried to get me laid. This is not how I envisioned coming out.
New rule: if you don't think racism exists, you don't get to put your penis inside me.
She gave me a job then fed me cheesecake in bed. She's a keeper!
Will you still call me Bond when I'm sober?
My cats name is now jello shot. How much do you love me right now?
Should I be concerned that he called me mom when I got in bed on top of him?
Randomize
