There's half of a squirrel in the bathtub - i figured you'd be the one to go to.
Omg calling you in 10 to update you on who I peed on last night
He came inside me, looked me in the eye and said, "Happy Mother's Day"
Russian roulette. Between salvia and weed. You in?
FUCK YOU MAN
Couple of things: my nipples are blue and knowing that at some point I'm going to have to poop is incredibly terrifying
We need to get you laid. Or i fear you might explode like a firework of sexual innuendos and unfulfilled erotic fantasies.
So when the drug raid cops tell you, you should get out of the relationship, it probably means its time.
Imagine Arby's curly fries spiraled around a dick
I was riding him and in the middle he literally said "fuck yeah, Amy Winehouse"
Glow Paint looked great for the Black Light Party last night, Tonight having a glow in the dark Pizza on my arm, not so much.
Do you think I need to report to HR that the intern and I had butt sex?
Just please try not to piss Danny off, I really can't afford to find a new drug dealer again
WHY WOULD YOU SWIPE RIGHT???!!!!!
The same reason I ordered and ate almost an entire pizza last night
He sang a ten minute song about me sitting on his face and eating quesadillas. Pretty sure I have to marry him.
"Because this is an ongoing legal matter" is how his morning after sex text began. So...
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