Why would vodka do this to me? I've always been loyal
I think I'm making progress on my commitment issues. I drunk made out with the same guy from last semester this weekend.
I'm on strict orders from her to keep sleeping with you until you give her a job next summer.
Look, we all have our slutty phases. Mine is just forever.
surprisingly organic peanut butter is not the best chaser
Are we talking about who knows if I'll get naked pictures of you with a broadsword or who knows if I'll be surprised?
This coke is making my nose hairs dance. That good.
Just got 20% off at the liquor store. How you ask? I asked if there was an "I got divorced today" discount.
I swear to god, my hangover cure is a green tea and a 15 minute twerkout. works every time
I have a high opinion of you, you smash bitches. Respect.
I'm about to order this penis-casting kit so text me within 5 mins if you're not down
too bad we didn't bet. my 38-1 tears would have made great lubrication for a blow job.
You should come over tomorrow. Wine, pizza and my vagina. Those are all great things.
Do you ever wake up and realize playing beer pong with your parents wasnt a dream? Your mom really beat you
Just used a NyQuil cup to take a shot. This night is headed nowhere good.
Randomize
